ParentConfidante Blog

NYC PRIVATE SCHOOLS REJECTION BLUES

     Now that the NYC private school acceptance and rejection letters have been mailed out, some parents are thrilled and relieved and some are sorely disappointed.  While some children are basking in their parents’ approval, others no doubt feel that they have let their parents down.  Parents need to be aware that children are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and are listening even when they don’t seem to be.
     It is important for parents to be especially loving, accepting and encouraging at this time and to be alert to any unusual signs of stress in their children.  If a child expresses any fears about their schools (don’t forget they’ve been coached, tested, interviewed) they should be reassured that they will go to a good school which they’ll love.
     And they probably will love the school they go to.  In addition, they may ultimately do even better academically than they would  in a more selective school.  There is a  body of research called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect which has shown that some children in very selective educational placements often have less academic self esteem and lower academic achievement than similar children in less competitive educational settings. In short, it’s better to be a Big Fish in a Small Pond than a Small Fish in a Big Pond.  
     Given the NYC private school scene, it's more important than ever to work with an educational consultant who can help you maximize the chances for acceptance into your desired school but who can also steer you towards other schools where your child can thrive.  This is especially true if there is any kind of learning or behavior issue which may be a red flag at some schools.  To get more information, contact toby@ParentConfidante School Success Consulting.

 

Does My Child Have A.D.D.?

A recent article highlights the importance of environmental factors when diagnosing and treating children with Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.).  Dr. L. Alan Sroufe (NY Times, 1/29/12) wrote a comprehensive article on the overuse of drugs in the treatment of A.D.D. He takes issue with the assumption that there is a "brain deficit" in children who have attention difficulties and points out that the improvement in attention fades over time and that all people benefit from stimulant medication when focusing on more rote tasks.  His basic point, is that society is overlooking environmental influences in the rush to medicate.  For instance, emotional problems such as depression, turmoil at home, lack of social support, and ineffective parenting can produce behavior and attention problems  and these factors are not addressed in the rush to medication.

Many of Dr.Sroufe's observations were confirmed in my practice as a school psychologist.  I found ADHD becoming an increasingly frequent diagnosis with medication as the primary recommendation.  However, I  knew from working with the student that there were other, sometimes more pressing factors such as family distress or parenting disagreement.  It was much easier to go the path of medication than tangle with the difficult task of understanding the family dynamics and making changes.

That being said, there were many instances when medication was crucial and effective.  The child learned, felt better about himself because he wasn't constantly being redirected and gained socially as well.  Even if it's true that the effect of the medication fades after three years, three years is a long time, and the benefits could improve that child's life forever.

One reason I became an educational consultant and started ParentConfidante School Success Consulting is that many of the evaluations I read were incomplete and didn't consider all factors.  In my work, I refer parents to highly skilled professionals whose assessments are reliable and give a complete picture of the child and what would be helpful. An accurate diagnosis is crucial if the child is to make lasting progress. To help your child make the positive steps she deserves contact me at 646-300-1881.

 

 

 

 

 

Changing the Diagnostic Criteria for Autism and Asperger Syndrome

The American Psychiatric Association is reassessing the diagnostic criteria for autistic and the proposed changes, as described in the NY Times article of Jan. 20,2012, may exclude many people who are now diagnosed as having Autism, Asperger Syndrome or Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (P.D.D.-N.O.S).  These diagnoses would be consolidated under one category - Autism Spectrum  Disorder - eliminating the Asperger's and PDD-NOS categories.  While the new criteria will have little impact on the diagnosis of youngsters who are "classically autistic" - those who have severe limitations in their cognitive and social functioning- there may well be an impact on those youngsters who are cognitively able but have a social disability.

Parents are understandably concerned given that mandated services (IEP) are often dependent on a diagnosis.  It will be important to see how the changes  will ultimately affect the delivery of services, but the attempt to clarify diagnosis is an important and needed undertaking. In the past, there has been a good deal of confusion especially regarding the identification of Asperger Syndrome - does every child who prefers to play alone have Asperger's and are deficits in social intreraction the main determinant?  In fact, there are other determining factors for a classification of Asperger Syndrome and many children who fall within this group need continued support.

There was some concern when it was first divulged that there would be a consolidation in criteria with Asperger's eliminated, because Asperger Syndrome, properly diagnosed, is distinct from classical autism and descriptive.  It will be important, in the tightening up of this diagnostic category, that those who need services continue to receive them.  While these youngsters are cognitively able, their narrow interests, perseverative behavior, and social incapacity makes it very difficult from them to succeed without support.

 

 

Does Attending Stuyvesant Make A Difference?

Each year thousands of students anxiously wait to see if they have been accepted to selective public high schools in NYC and throughout the nation.  There has always been a debate about how much a difference attending such a school really makes.  Some people feel that attending a school of motivated, high functioning students is crucial.  Other people state that the high achievers who attend these schools would do well no matter where went and in fact have better odds of getting into an Ivy League College from a less competetive school.

 A recent study, “Exam High Schools and Academic Achievement:Evidence from New York City”, by Roland G. Fryer Jr. and Will Dobbie, seems to settle the controversy.  They found that there is essentially no stubstantial benefit in attending an exam school in either SAT scores or college enrollment.  However, there was one important exception: the borderline student benefited by taking higher level courses and graduating from high school with a more advanced diploma than they would in a mainstream school.

This is an important finding in that it highlights the importance of the school the bright, unmotivated student attends.  If that student is surrounded with students who are focused and highly motivated to succeed, it rubs off.  They are influenced by the higher expectations of their peers and work more to their potential.  In choosing a school for this student, the results of this study must be considered.  ParentConfidante School Success Consulting is expert at looking at the individual student and helping him apply and be accepted by the right school.

 

 

 

Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.

NYC High Stakes Tutoring

The NY Times today (6/8/11) highlighted a practice that is well known in NYC private schools - private tutoring for even the brightest youngsters who are at elite schools.  These students are tutored to insure that they receive top grades (only A's) thereby enhancing their chances of getting into elite colleges.  It was pointed out in the article that academic tutoring has increased tremendously in recent years.  It actually starts when the youngsters are toddlers  - to help them get into preschool.

Parents feel that they are providing the best they can for their children's long term success and tutoring will certainly give a student the leg up, but it's hard to tell if intensive and extensive tutoring is really what a student needs in the long run.  If the problem is a lack of motivation or a lack of academic self confidence, the student may actually end up feeling that they can't be successful on their own.  They may feel that they lack the the skills that help them succeed - perseverance, organization and comprehension -  and can only succeed with someone helping them.  It might be better to zero in on the  motivational and self esteem factors which can be of benefit throughout their lives.

 

 

Fast Tracking to Kindergarten and Harvard?

In the highly competitive environment of New York City private schools it is no wonder that many parents start tutoring their youngsters at a very young age in an effort to give them the extra edge.  In "Fast-Tracking to Kindergarten" (May 15, 2011) the N.Y. Times highlighted the Junior Kumon program which tutors children in basic skills starting at age 3.  Kumon asserts "the younger the better" and states that the repetition inherent in the program develops concentration.  Parents described the benefits of the program as their childrens' knowlege increased,

What was missing in the article was any mention of developmental level and individual differences in children.  While many of the youngsters seemed to take the tutoring in stride, there must be those with shorter attention spans, children who are just not ready to form letters, children who have special needs and just can't see the difference between letters and children who just aren't into it.  What happens then?  Are parents advised to stop with Junior Kumon at this point or do they soldier on thinking their children will benefit in the long run? 

This program (and others) has the potential of frustrating children and impacting motivation in a negative way if individual differences aren't taken into account.  The little 3 year old matching letters didn't look too happy in her picture in the N.Y.Times.  Maybe that was because she'd just been told that her #12 was "sloppy".  Given some time for her motor skills to develop, she'll no doubt make a beautiful 12.

At ParentConfidante Special Needs Consulting, we make the academic and school recommendations that are right for the child - one size doesn't fit all.

Best Early Intervention Helps Manhattan Preschooler into Mainstream Private School

I was very happy today to get this email from a former client.

Toby,

I just want to let you know that <child's name> made dramatic improvement this year and actually made it into <mainstream Upper East Side NYC private school>!!!  Can you believe it?  We can't and as you can imagine we are overjoyed!

The audiologist and the speech therapist you recommended made all the difference, especially after <NYC preschool director> sent us on that wild ride.  You would not believe how <child's name> is now totally in the mix in class.  He even gets invited to playdates.  What a difference we've seen this school year.

Thank you again.

Manhattan Special Needs: Manhattan Needs More Special Needs High Schools like Churchill High School

I recently attended an open house at the Churchill School that was amazingly crowded with New York parents looking for an opening in a Manhattan Middle or High School.  Churchill School made it clear that there were very few spots available but that didn't keep the parents from asking very thoughtful, knowledgeable questions and appearing hopeful.  They were obviously hoping that their child would be the lucky one to get that opening in the 6th or 9th grade and hoping that more Manhattan parents would be transfered to San Francisco so another spot was available.  When asked where else their children were applying, some parents mentioned Winston Prep and  boarding schools for children with special needs (Landmark, Eagle Hill), but all bemoaned the dearth of High Schools in NYC for children who continue to need specialized instruction and organizational support.

It is surprising that there are so few secondary special needs schools in NYC.  I guess the hope is that most students will be able to thrive in mainstream schools if they get the help they need in the early grades.  However, the demands in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Riverdale, and Westchester high schools are intensive and children with learning disabilities often need continued support and accommodations.  Children with special needs have to work hard to compensate for their difficulties and they can be easily discouraged if the demands are overwhelming.   Although there are some non-special ed private schools that offer support programs, it may not be enough and it's no wonder that parents are concerned.

Recognizing the need, Aaron Academy and Mary McDowell Friends School have recently started high schools as an extension of their elementary schools.  These are welcome additions.  However, it seems that more is needed - what an entrepreneurial as well as educational opportunity!

For help in 2011-2012, toby@parentconfidante.com  or 646-300-1881 and hurry please as my schedule is filling quickly.

Coping with Dyslexia

I recently read an article about Dannel P. Malloy who is running for Governor of Connecticut.  Although Mr. Malloy graduated magna cum laudi from Boston College and from Boston College Law School, as a child he had trouble learning to read, do math and master basic skills such as tying his shoes.  As late as the fourth grade, his teachers thought he was retarded.  However, his mother knew better and she encouraged him to concentrate on what he could do well.  For instance, she knew Dannel had a good memory and gave him a radio so he could hone his oral listening skills.

It turned out, Mr. Malloy had a learning disability which thirty years ago wasn't as readily discerned as today.  Mr. Malloy eventually learned to read although to speed the process, he listened to books on tape until he was a sophomore in college.

I find Mr. Malloy's story interesting in many ways. He was so lucky.  First, his  remarkable mother listened to her intuition about her son and not what she was told.  She encouraged him to use the skills he had, while helping him overcome his weaknesses.  Too often, we as parents overlook our children's strengths because we're so concerned about the implications of their weaknesses.  In addition, he was lucky that he was in a mainstreamed learning situation where he could learn and be intellectually stimulated by listening.  Mr. Malloy also learned what it takes to be successful.  Learning disabled children have to work harder than anyone just to keep up.  But that hard work, determination and perseverance pay off.  It certainly has for Mr. Malloy.

We often tell children about famous people (e.g. Nelson Rockefelor, Tom Cruise) who also struggled with learning disabilities.  To that list we should add Mr. Malloy (and his mother).

In my special needs consulting in NYC, Westchester and New Jersey, I often hear parents say that their pediatrician told them not to be concerned about the delays they saw- that all children develop differently.  But, these parents listened to their intuition, had their children evaluated and had them receive early intervention special education services.  Early Intervention made all the difference - many of the children are now in regular classes doing well.