ParentConfidante Blog

Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.

Motivating Boys to Learn -Gender Gap Revisited

In the past when the “Gender Gap” was discussed it usually pertained to the discrepancy between boys’ and girls’ achievement – with girls not doing as well academically. However, all that has changed and the main concern now is that boys (in all socio-economic levels) are in trouble and falling behind in their achievement test scores and in their graduation rates from college. This has been brewing for about twenty years and there is apprehension that if the trend continues, there will be a negative economic and cultural impact. There’s already a social impact as demonstrated on the front page of this week’s (2/7/10)  New York Times Sunday/Styles section- The New Math on Campus – no men.

In trying to understand how this developed, Richard Whitmire has just published a new book called “Why Boys Fail”. His thesis, in a nutshell, is that as schools have put greater emphasis on verbal skills –reading and writing in every subject area- the unintended consequence was that many boys became turned off to school and lacked motivation to strive and do well. They were no match for their female peers. He states that as a society we need to focus our efforts on this problem, see where boys are succeeding and failing and make the changes that are needed.

Many of us who work with children in the schools have witnessed this “gender-gap” and are convinced that one of the main problems is not so much the emphasis on verbal skills but the push for literacy into kindergarten and even pre-kindergarten classes. Kindergarten children are expected to do more seat work than in the past, copy from the board, and have basic reading and writing skills before entering first grade. This is especially true in many NYC private schools.  While this pressure works well for some, it is stressful and discouraging for those youngsters (often boys) who just can’t sit for extended period of time, don’t yet have the fine motor control to copy letters and aren’t ready for the sound/symbol associations needed for reading. It’s no wonder that many boys end up feeling discouraged about learning basic skills which they could master easily at a later date. Many more boys than girls are referred for evaluations due to learning or behavioral problems and some of these referrals are certainly due to unrealistic expectations. We seem to have forgotten that there’s a great deal to be learned from play, from circle games and from free time –for all children.

I liked the approach of my son’s kindergarten teacher – she asked “Who wants to learn to read” and most of the girls in the class ran to her - the boys continued playing with blocks. It made no difference in their ultimate reading competence.

NYC parents are now waiting eagerly for the decisions from private schools. It’s essential to keep in mind that not every school or every program is right for every child. It’s important to match the child with the school and if a child isn’t ready for a rigorous academic setting, then it’s not the right place. In the long run he’ll feel better about learning and about himself.