ParentConfidante Blog

NYC PRIVATE SCHOOLS REJECTION BLUES

     Now that the NYC private school acceptance and rejection letters have been mailed out, some parents are thrilled and relieved and some are sorely disappointed.  While some children are basking in their parents’ approval, others no doubt feel that they have let their parents down.  Parents need to be aware that children are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and are listening even when they don’t seem to be.
     It is important for parents to be especially loving, accepting and encouraging at this time and to be alert to any unusual signs of stress in their children.  If a child expresses any fears about their schools (don’t forget they’ve been coached, tested, interviewed) they should be reassured that they will go to a good school which they’ll love.
     And they probably will love the school they go to.  In addition, they may ultimately do even better academically than they would  in a more selective school.  There is a  body of research called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect which has shown that some children in very selective educational placements often have less academic self esteem and lower academic achievement than similar children in less competitive educational settings. In short, it’s better to be a Big Fish in a Small Pond than a Small Fish in a Big Pond.  
     Given the NYC private school scene, it's more important than ever to work with an educational consultant who can help you maximize the chances for acceptance into your desired school but who can also steer you towards other schools where your child can thrive.  This is especially true if there is any kind of learning or behavior issue which may be a red flag at some schools.  To get more information, contact toby@ParentConfidante School Success Consulting.

 

Back to School – are Parents More Anxious than Children?

Camp’s out and school is about to begin and there’s understandably a great deal of anticipation regarding the new year – in both students and parents.  It’s only natural that everyone is also a bit (or more) anxious. Kids are often worried about the new teacher, about making friends, about the work load and about the dreaded return of the hectic school schedule after the fun of summer.  Parents are anxious also –especially in the super heated and competitive world of NYC private schools.   Parents are often more anxious than their children and they show it by voicing their concerns – reminding their children that it’s important to do well, that there’s a great deal of competition out there, that this year will be harder than last year, and (if last year wasn’t stellar) that they better improve (the speech!).

This is not a good strategy.  When parents voice their own fears they only increase their children’s anxieties.  Parents need to downplay their own anxieties and encourage their children by telling them that they are sure their children will have a good year, adjust to the teacher and make friends.  It’s important to LISTEN to your child’s concerns, to let them talk about what worries them and brainstorm if there’s a real problem, but it’s not good to rachet up fears.

In my experience as a school psychologist, parents often needed more help than their children- especially in the transition years – kindergarten, middle school, high school and college.  However, as they learn to think about the impact of their words the whole family benefits.

Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.

NYC High Stakes Tutoring

The NY Times today (6/8/11) highlighted a practice that is well known in NYC private schools - private tutoring for even the brightest youngsters who are at elite schools.  These students are tutored to insure that they receive top grades (only A's) thereby enhancing their chances of getting into elite colleges.  It was pointed out in the article that academic tutoring has increased tremendously in recent years.  It actually starts when the youngsters are toddlers  - to help them get into preschool.

Parents feel that they are providing the best they can for their children's long term success and tutoring will certainly give a student the leg up, but it's hard to tell if intensive and extensive tutoring is really what a student needs in the long run.  If the problem is a lack of motivation or a lack of academic self confidence, the student may actually end up feeling that they can't be successful on their own.  They may feel that they lack the the skills that help them succeed - perseverance, organization and comprehension -  and can only succeed with someone helping them.  It might be better to zero in on the  motivational and self esteem factors which can be of benefit throughout their lives.

 

 

Helping Parents and Children Cope with Rejection From NYC Private Schools

    Now that the NYC private school acceptance and rejection letters have been mailed out, some parents are thrilled and relieved and some are sorely disappointed.   The children may not know or care what NYC private school they’ll be attending,  but they are also feeling the effects of their success or failure to get into the right school.   While some children are basking in their parents’ approval, others no doubt feel that they have let their parents down.  Parents need to be aware that children are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and are listening even when they don’t seem to be.  In the pressure cooker of NYC private school admissions, it may seem that failing to be accepted to a top school will have a tremendously negative impact on a child’s future, but a child’s success is not written in stone at this age.  What can have a damaging long term effect, however, is a child who feels that they are not good enough and can’t please their parents.  Given their age, they may also feel that they are the cause of some other problems that the family is perhaps experiencing.
     It is important for parents to be especially loving, accepting and encouraging at this time and to be alert to any unusual signs of stress in their children.  If a child expresses any fears about their schools (don’t forget they’ve been coached, tested, interviewed) they should be reassured that they will go to a good school which they’ll love.
     And they probably will love the school they go to.  In addition, they may ultimately do even better academically than they would  in a more selective school.  There is a  body of research called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect which has shown that bright children in very selective educational placements often have less academic self esteem and lower academic achievement than similar children in less competitive educational settings. In short, it’s better to be a Big Fish in a Small Pond than a Small Fish in a Big Pond.

Why to NYC Toddlers Need Therapy?

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal focused on the growing practice of providing mental health professionals to preschool and child care centers.  These counselors help children who are having behavior or social issues.  They work with the youngsters, teachers and sometimes parents to help children find more acceptable ways of expressing their feelings - such as saying what they are feeling instead of hitting.  They help children socialize and manage other anxiety feelings.  These services are especially needed in communities where there is an emphasis on academic achievement like NYC private schools.

The mental health intervention comes amid growing concern that young children are exhibiting more behavioral and social problems than in the past and increasing numbers of children are being "expelled" from preschool.  There are various explanations for this trend from too much and too early large group care, to increased anxieties in familor increased academic pressure on young children.

While all of these issues enter in, I think that a major factor is the pressure on children to develop reading and math skills before they're ready to grapple with those concepts. Increased behavior problems may well be an unintended consequence of the trend to make the preschool curriculum (which used to be learning through play) explicitly academic.

I'm a great believer in mental health services and social skills developed now will last a life time, but it may be past time to take a good look at what we expect of our youngsters in preschool these days.  I would guess that there are fewer behavior problems in those preschool settings that are play centered as compared to those that are more academically based.

I'll be writing more on this issue which has long been of concern and interest to me.  As an educational consultant (toby@parentconfidante.com) I'm often asked if children need special services, what can be done to help them focus, what can be done to help them learn better.  I make referrals to the most trusted professionals but sometimes it's also important to take a good look at what is beiing expected of these little kids.