ParentConfidante Blog

Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.

NYC High Stakes Tutoring

The NY Times today (6/8/11) highlighted a practice that is well known in NYC private schools - private tutoring for even the brightest youngsters who are at elite schools.  These students are tutored to insure that they receive top grades (only A's) thereby enhancing their chances of getting into elite colleges.  It was pointed out in the article that academic tutoring has increased tremendously in recent years.  It actually starts when the youngsters are toddlers  - to help them get into preschool.

Parents feel that they are providing the best they can for their children's long term success and tutoring will certainly give a student the leg up, but it's hard to tell if intensive and extensive tutoring is really what a student needs in the long run.  If the problem is a lack of motivation or a lack of academic self confidence, the student may actually end up feeling that they can't be successful on their own.  They may feel that they lack the the skills that help them succeed - perseverance, organization and comprehension -  and can only succeed with someone helping them.  It might be better to zero in on the  motivational and self esteem factors which can be of benefit throughout their lives.

 

 

TWICE EXCEPTIONAL SCHOOLS for NYC 2e children

  Two recent additions to the array of private schools in NYC focus on the twice exceptional child - that child who has excellent cognitive ability but also a learning disability, ADHD, or emotional or social difficulty which impacts their success - thus 2e.  The Quad Preschool opened it's doors in September, 2010 as did the Lang School (K-8).

The time is right for these schools to open as I think there is a real need.  In my work with children as a school psychologist, CPSE Chairperson and as a special needs educational consultant, I have seen many children who have been exceptionally bright but were hampered by social or learning problems.  They often had superior language skills but couldn't concentrate or listen in a group - one on one with an adult they were a delight.  It was often difficult to find the right school for these children, because in spite of their learning difficulties, they need high level language stimulation and an enriched curriculum - as well as the right educational, behavioral and emotional remediation and support.  Without that stimulation, there is increased danger of underachievement and a lack of motivation.

I'ts wonderful to have these "twice exceptional" schools as special needs private school options in NYC.

 

  Two recent additions to the array of private schools in NYC focus on the twice exceptional child - that child who has excellent cognitive ability but also a learning disability, ADHD, or emotional or social difficulty which impacts their success - thus 2e.  The Quad Preschool opened it's doors in September, 2010 as did the Lang School (K-8).

The time is right for these schools to open as I think there is a real need.  In my work with children as a school psychologist, CPSE Chairperson and as a special needs educational consultant, I have seen many children who have been exceptionally bright but were hampered by social or learning problems.  They often had superior language skills but couldn't concentrate or listen in a group - one on one with an adult they were a delight.  It was often difficult to find the right school for these children, because in spite of their learning difficulties, they need high level language stimulation and an enriched curriculum - as well as the right educational, behavioral and emotional remediation and support.  Without that stimulation, there is increased danger of underachievement and a lack of motivation.

I'ts wonderful to have these "twice exceptional" schools as special needs private school options in NYC.

  Two recent additions to the array of private schools in NYC focus on the twice exceptional child - that child who has excellent cognitive ability but also a learning disability, ADHD, or emotional or social difficulty which impacts their success - thus 2e.  The Quad Preschool opened it's doors in September, 2010 as did the Lang School (K-8).

The time is right for these schools to open as I think there is a real need.  In my work with children as a school psychologist, CPSE Chairperson and as a special needs educational consultant, I have seen many children who have been exceptionally bright but were hampered by social or learning problems.  They often had superior language skills but couldn't concentrate or listen in a group - one on one with an adult they were a delight.  It was often difficult to find the right school for these children, because in spite of their learning difficulties, they need high level language stimulation and an enriched curriculum - as well as the right educational, behavioral and emotional remediation and support.  Without that stimulation, there is increased danger of underachievement and a lack of motivation.

I'ts wonderful to have these "twice exceptional" schools as special needs private school options in NYC.

Manhattan Special Needs: Manhattan Needs More Special Needs High Schools like Churchill High School

I recently attended an open house at the Churchill School that was amazingly crowded with New York parents looking for an opening in a Manhattan Middle or High School.  Churchill School made it clear that there were very few spots available but that didn't keep the parents from asking very thoughtful, knowledgeable questions and appearing hopeful.  They were obviously hoping that their child would be the lucky one to get that opening in the 6th or 9th grade and hoping that more Manhattan parents would be transfered to San Francisco so another spot was available.  When asked where else their children were applying, some parents mentioned Winston Prep and  boarding schools for children with special needs (Landmark, Eagle Hill), but all bemoaned the dearth of High Schools in NYC for children who continue to need specialized instruction and organizational support.

It is surprising that there are so few secondary special needs schools in NYC.  I guess the hope is that most students will be able to thrive in mainstream schools if they get the help they need in the early grades.  However, the demands in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Riverdale, and Westchester high schools are intensive and children with learning disabilities often need continued support and accommodations.  Children with special needs have to work hard to compensate for their difficulties and they can be easily discouraged if the demands are overwhelming.   Although there are some non-special ed private schools that offer support programs, it may not be enough and it's no wonder that parents are concerned.

Recognizing the need, Aaron Academy and Mary McDowell Friends School have recently started high schools as an extension of their elementary schools.  These are welcome additions.  However, it seems that more is needed - what an entrepreneurial as well as educational opportunity!

For help in 2011-2012, toby@parentconfidante.com  or 646-300-1881 and hurry please as my schedule is filling quickly.

Coping with Dyslexia

I recently read an article about Dannel P. Malloy who is running for Governor of Connecticut.  Although Mr. Malloy graduated magna cum laudi from Boston College and from Boston College Law School, as a child he had trouble learning to read, do math and master basic skills such as tying his shoes.  As late as the fourth grade, his teachers thought he was retarded.  However, his mother knew better and she encouraged him to concentrate on what he could do well.  For instance, she knew Dannel had a good memory and gave him a radio so he could hone his oral listening skills.

It turned out, Mr. Malloy had a learning disability which thirty years ago wasn't as readily discerned as today.  Mr. Malloy eventually learned to read although to speed the process, he listened to books on tape until he was a sophomore in college.

I find Mr. Malloy's story interesting in many ways. He was so lucky.  First, his  remarkable mother listened to her intuition about her son and not what she was told.  She encouraged him to use the skills he had, while helping him overcome his weaknesses.  Too often, we as parents overlook our children's strengths because we're so concerned about the implications of their weaknesses.  In addition, he was lucky that he was in a mainstreamed learning situation where he could learn and be intellectually stimulated by listening.  Mr. Malloy also learned what it takes to be successful.  Learning disabled children have to work harder than anyone just to keep up.  But that hard work, determination and perseverance pay off.  It certainly has for Mr. Malloy.

We often tell children about famous people (e.g. Nelson Rockefelor, Tom Cruise) who also struggled with learning disabilities.  To that list we should add Mr. Malloy (and his mother).

In my special needs consulting in NYC, Westchester and New Jersey, I often hear parents say that their pediatrician told them not to be concerned about the delays they saw- that all children develop differently.  But, these parents listened to their intuition, had their children evaluated and had them receive early intervention special education services.  Early Intervention made all the difference - many of the children are now in regular classes doing well.

 

 

Helping Parents and Children Cope with Rejection From NYC Private Schools

    Now that the NYC private school acceptance and rejection letters have been mailed out, some parents are thrilled and relieved and some are sorely disappointed.   The children may not know or care what NYC private school they’ll be attending,  but they are also feeling the effects of their success or failure to get into the right school.   While some children are basking in their parents’ approval, others no doubt feel that they have let their parents down.  Parents need to be aware that children are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and are listening even when they don’t seem to be.  In the pressure cooker of NYC private school admissions, it may seem that failing to be accepted to a top school will have a tremendously negative impact on a child’s future, but a child’s success is not written in stone at this age.  What can have a damaging long term effect, however, is a child who feels that they are not good enough and can’t please their parents.  Given their age, they may also feel that they are the cause of some other problems that the family is perhaps experiencing.
     It is important for parents to be especially loving, accepting and encouraging at this time and to be alert to any unusual signs of stress in their children.  If a child expresses any fears about their schools (don’t forget they’ve been coached, tested, interviewed) they should be reassured that they will go to a good school which they’ll love.
     And they probably will love the school they go to.  In addition, they may ultimately do even better academically than they would  in a more selective school.  There is a  body of research called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect which has shown that bright children in very selective educational placements often have less academic self esteem and lower academic achievement than similar children in less competitive educational settings. In short, it’s better to be a Big Fish in a Small Pond than a Small Fish in a Big Pond.

Why to NYC Toddlers Need Therapy?

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal focused on the growing practice of providing mental health professionals to preschool and child care centers.  These counselors help children who are having behavior or social issues.  They work with the youngsters, teachers and sometimes parents to help children find more acceptable ways of expressing their feelings - such as saying what they are feeling instead of hitting.  They help children socialize and manage other anxiety feelings.  These services are especially needed in communities where there is an emphasis on academic achievement like NYC private schools.

The mental health intervention comes amid growing concern that young children are exhibiting more behavioral and social problems than in the past and increasing numbers of children are being "expelled" from preschool.  There are various explanations for this trend from too much and too early large group care, to increased anxieties in familor increased academic pressure on young children.

While all of these issues enter in, I think that a major factor is the pressure on children to develop reading and math skills before they're ready to grapple with those concepts. Increased behavior problems may well be an unintended consequence of the trend to make the preschool curriculum (which used to be learning through play) explicitly academic.

I'm a great believer in mental health services and social skills developed now will last a life time, but it may be past time to take a good look at what we expect of our youngsters in preschool these days.  I would guess that there are fewer behavior problems in those preschool settings that are play centered as compared to those that are more academically based.

I'll be writing more on this issue which has long been of concern and interest to me.  As an educational consultant (toby@parentconfidante.com) I'm often asked if children need special services, what can be done to help them focus, what can be done to help them learn better.  I make referrals to the most trusted professionals but sometimes it's also important to take a good look at what is beiing expected of these little kids.