ParentConfidante Blog

NYC PRIVATE SCHOOLS REJECTION BLUES

     Now that the NYC private school acceptance and rejection letters have been mailed out, some parents are thrilled and relieved and some are sorely disappointed.  While some children are basking in their parents’ approval, others no doubt feel that they have let their parents down.  Parents need to be aware that children are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and are listening even when they don’t seem to be.
     It is important for parents to be especially loving, accepting and encouraging at this time and to be alert to any unusual signs of stress in their children.  If a child expresses any fears about their schools (don’t forget they’ve been coached, tested, interviewed) they should be reassured that they will go to a good school which they’ll love.
     And they probably will love the school they go to.  In addition, they may ultimately do even better academically than they would  in a more selective school.  There is a  body of research called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect which has shown that some children in very selective educational placements often have less academic self esteem and lower academic achievement than similar children in less competitive educational settings. In short, it’s better to be a Big Fish in a Small Pond than a Small Fish in a Big Pond.  
     Given the NYC private school scene, it's more important than ever to work with an educational consultant who can help you maximize the chances for acceptance into your desired school but who can also steer you towards other schools where your child can thrive.  This is especially true if there is any kind of learning or behavior issue which may be a red flag at some schools.  To get more information, contact toby@ParentConfidante School Success Consulting.

 

Does My Child Have A.D.D.?

A recent article highlights the importance of environmental factors when diagnosing and treating children with Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.).  Dr. L. Alan Sroufe (NY Times, 1/29/12) wrote a comprehensive article on the overuse of drugs in the treatment of A.D.D. He takes issue with the assumption that there is a "brain deficit" in children who have attention difficulties and points out that the improvement in attention fades over time and that all people benefit from stimulant medication when focusing on more rote tasks.  His basic point, is that society is overlooking environmental influences in the rush to medicate.  For instance, emotional problems such as depression, turmoil at home, lack of social support, and ineffective parenting can produce behavior and attention problems  and these factors are not addressed in the rush to medication.

Many of Dr.Sroufe's observations were confirmed in my practice as a school psychologist.  I found ADHD becoming an increasingly frequent diagnosis with medication as the primary recommendation.  However, I  knew from working with the student that there were other, sometimes more pressing factors such as family distress or parenting disagreement.  It was much easier to go the path of medication than tangle with the difficult task of understanding the family dynamics and making changes.

That being said, there were many instances when medication was crucial and effective.  The child learned, felt better about himself because he wasn't constantly being redirected and gained socially as well.  Even if it's true that the effect of the medication fades after three years, three years is a long time, and the benefits could improve that child's life forever.

One reason I became an educational consultant and started ParentConfidante School Success Consulting is that many of the evaluations I read were incomplete and didn't consider all factors.  In my work, I refer parents to highly skilled professionals whose assessments are reliable and give a complete picture of the child and what would be helpful. An accurate diagnosis is crucial if the child is to make lasting progress. To help your child make the positive steps she deserves contact me at 646-300-1881.

 

 

 

 

 

Homework Hints: Taking the Power Struggle Out of Studying

As kids return to school, there is already anxiety about homework and parents are already rehearsing the tried, but maybe untrue, advice regarding homework and studying – find one place to study, study material until you master it, don’t move on to more complex material until you know the basics, etc.  In addition, parents do their own homework to make sure that a teacher’s teaching style matches their children’s style of learning.   However, as pointed out by Benedict Casey (NY Times, 9/6/10) there is research which points to some counter-intuitive advice that really makes a difference. 

* VARYING THE STUDY PLACE is important for retention.  So instead of insisting that Johnny do all of his homework in his room, having hims also study in the kitchen or den is beneficial because the brain makes multiple associations with the material studied. 

*VARYING THE MATERIAL STUDIED in a single sitting also makes a difference.  For instance, it’s a good idea to alternate between studying vocabulary words and working on an essay. 

*VARYING THE MATH PROBLEMS IN AN ASSIGNMENT.  Rather than concentrating on one problem set, mixing up the assignment forces the brain to really learn the material rather than a set approach.  This is important in studying for a test.  Mix up the problems when studying. 

*SELF-TESTING AS A MEANS OF LEARNING THE MATERIAL.  Cognitive scientists see practice tests and quizzes as a tool of learning since the harder it is to learn something, the harder it is to forget it.  Quizzing your student in the living room on material learned in the den is a good idea. 

*There is no empirical evidence that a certain teaching style is better for children than others.  Good teachers can teach any child by recognizing those who need visual reinforcement and those who can learn best from oral presentation.  A mixed style of delivery benefits all students. 

I always believe that if something isn’t broken, why fix it.  So if your child’s study habits are working for her, just leave it.  But, if you can’t get her to stay in her room, stick to one subject at a time or learn the material in one sitting, that's OK.  She may just do better in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to School – are Parents More Anxious than Children?

Camp’s out and school is about to begin and there’s understandably a great deal of anticipation regarding the new year – in both students and parents.  It’s only natural that everyone is also a bit (or more) anxious. Kids are often worried about the new teacher, about making friends, about the work load and about the dreaded return of the hectic school schedule after the fun of summer.  Parents are anxious also –especially in the super heated and competitive world of NYC private schools.   Parents are often more anxious than their children and they show it by voicing their concerns – reminding their children that it’s important to do well, that there’s a great deal of competition out there, that this year will be harder than last year, and (if last year wasn’t stellar) that they better improve (the speech!).

This is not a good strategy.  When parents voice their own fears they only increase their children’s anxieties.  Parents need to downplay their own anxieties and encourage their children by telling them that they are sure their children will have a good year, adjust to the teacher and make friends.  It’s important to LISTEN to your child’s concerns, to let them talk about what worries them and brainstorm if there’s a real problem, but it’s not good to rachet up fears.

In my experience as a school psychologist, parents often needed more help than their children- especially in the transition years – kindergarten, middle school, high school and college.  However, as they learn to think about the impact of their words the whole family benefits.

Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.

NYC High Stakes Tutoring

The NY Times today (6/8/11) highlighted a practice that is well known in NYC private schools - private tutoring for even the brightest youngsters who are at elite schools.  These students are tutored to insure that they receive top grades (only A's) thereby enhancing their chances of getting into elite colleges.  It was pointed out in the article that academic tutoring has increased tremendously in recent years.  It actually starts when the youngsters are toddlers  - to help them get into preschool.

Parents feel that they are providing the best they can for their children's long term success and tutoring will certainly give a student the leg up, but it's hard to tell if intensive and extensive tutoring is really what a student needs in the long run.  If the problem is a lack of motivation or a lack of academic self confidence, the student may actually end up feeling that they can't be successful on their own.  They may feel that they lack the the skills that help them succeed - perseverance, organization and comprehension -  and can only succeed with someone helping them.  It might be better to zero in on the  motivational and self esteem factors which can be of benefit throughout their lives.

 

 

Best Early Intervention Helps Manhattan Preschooler into Mainstream Private School

I was very happy today to get this email from a former client.

Toby,

I just want to let you know that <child's name> made dramatic improvement this year and actually made it into <mainstream Upper East Side NYC private school>!!!  Can you believe it?  We can't and as you can imagine we are overjoyed!

The audiologist and the speech therapist you recommended made all the difference, especially after <NYC preschool director> sent us on that wild ride.  You would not believe how <child's name> is now totally in the mix in class.  He even gets invited to playdates.  What a difference we've seen this school year.

Thank you again.

Help Finding NYC, New Jersey, and Westchester Schools for Hyperlexic Children

Thanks to NYC schools consultant Emily Glickman of Abacus Guide Educational Consulting who gave me a shout out today for my work helping hyperlexic children find appropriate private and public schools in Manhattan and surrounding areas.

To read Emily's post, Help for Hyperlexia (Thoughts on Gilman's The Anti-Romantic Child) on her New York City (Manhattan and Brooklyn) schools blog.

Manhattan Special Needs: Manhattan Needs More Special Needs High Schools like Churchill High School

I recently attended an open house at the Churchill School that was amazingly crowded with New York parents looking for an opening in a Manhattan Middle or High School.  Churchill School made it clear that there were very few spots available but that didn't keep the parents from asking very thoughtful, knowledgeable questions and appearing hopeful.  They were obviously hoping that their child would be the lucky one to get that opening in the 6th or 9th grade and hoping that more Manhattan parents would be transfered to San Francisco so another spot was available.  When asked where else their children were applying, some parents mentioned Winston Prep and  boarding schools for children with special needs (Landmark, Eagle Hill), but all bemoaned the dearth of High Schools in NYC for children who continue to need specialized instruction and organizational support.

It is surprising that there are so few secondary special needs schools in NYC.  I guess the hope is that most students will be able to thrive in mainstream schools if they get the help they need in the early grades.  However, the demands in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Riverdale, and Westchester high schools are intensive and children with learning disabilities often need continued support and accommodations.  Children with special needs have to work hard to compensate for their difficulties and they can be easily discouraged if the demands are overwhelming.   Although there are some non-special ed private schools that offer support programs, it may not be enough and it's no wonder that parents are concerned.

Recognizing the need, Aaron Academy and Mary McDowell Friends School have recently started high schools as an extension of their elementary schools.  These are welcome additions.  However, it seems that more is needed - what an entrepreneurial as well as educational opportunity!

For help in 2011-2012, toby@parentconfidante.com  or 646-300-1881 and hurry please as my schedule is filling quickly.

Help for NYC Siblings of Autistic Children (Unlike During Allen Shawn's Childhood)

In the New York Times Style Magazine (12/5/10), there is an excerpt from Allen Shawn’s upcoming memoir, “Twin”, in which he writes about the disappearance from his life at the age of 8 of his twin sister, Mary.  Allen, the son of William Shawn, the legendary New Yorker editor, describes how he felt when Mary, diagnosed as autistic, was sent to Sandpiper, a residential school for mentally disabled children.  Except for scripted letters and occasional visits, she vanished from the everyday life in Manhattan of Allen and his brother Wallace, leaving Allen disoriented, with a fierce fear of loss and a consuming focus on “truthfulness”.  As he puts it, Mary’s “departure from our life was like an unmourned death”.  The family rarely referred to her.

Mary is described as inner directed, but also connected to her siblings, showing affection and sometimes joining them in their games.  She could be erratic in her moods and not communicative verbally.  She is not described as explosive, out of control or a danger to herself or others and there’s no question that in our time, she would have stayed with the family.  What happened to Mary is reflective of how children with severe mental, developmental or emotional disabilities were treated in the 50’s and 60’s and her residential placement was no doubt recommended and supported by the professionals who were working with her.

Parents, often bewildered and surely guilty, felt that sending children with disabilities away was beneficial to them and the whole family and it seems that little notice was taken of the impact that such a banishment had on the other children in the family.  While it is probable that Mary’s life experience was narrowed and her potential curtailed, the impact on the other children was also profound.  Allen didn’t understand until he was an adult that his severe anxiety disorder was directly related to what happened to his sister.

There is currently much more of a realization of what should have been clear - that the normally developing siblings are impacted by the decisions made regarding the child with special needs.  Allen’s life experience would certainly have been different if his parents were able to talk about why they sent Mary away and maintain more contact with her.  However, in those days such openness would have been extraordinary.  More common then, and often now, is the shame and guilt that limits communication.

Today, there are programs available to help brothers and sisters of individuals with special learning, health, emotional of developmental needs.  One of the best known programs is Sibshops which provides a framework for siblings to meet with peers and share experiences, feelings and advice.  The meetings have a recreational aspect as well and are fun.  Many agencies sponsor Sibshops and availability should be checked on the internet. 

Perhaps if Sibshops were available for Allen, he would have been spared some of the emotional stress in his adult life.  But that wasn’t the style in those days (maybe that’s why this article was in the Styles section.)

I have lead Sibshops and know first hand how liberating and beneficial these groups can be for youngsters with special needs siblings.

In addition, numerous Manhattan, Brooklyn, New Jersey and Westchester families have hired me to meet privately with them to discuss how to help siblings of autistic children.  Luckily, today, we recognize the needs of all children in a family.