ParentConfidante Blog

NYC PRIVATE SCHOOLS REJECTION BLUES

     Now that the NYC private school acceptance and rejection letters have been mailed out, some parents are thrilled and relieved and some are sorely disappointed.  While some children are basking in their parents’ approval, others no doubt feel that they have let their parents down.  Parents need to be aware that children are highly sensitive to their parents’ moods and are listening even when they don’t seem to be.
     It is important for parents to be especially loving, accepting and encouraging at this time and to be alert to any unusual signs of stress in their children.  If a child expresses any fears about their schools (don’t forget they’ve been coached, tested, interviewed) they should be reassured that they will go to a good school which they’ll love.
     And they probably will love the school they go to.  In addition, they may ultimately do even better academically than they would  in a more selective school.  There is a  body of research called the Big Fish Little Pond Effect which has shown that some children in very selective educational placements often have less academic self esteem and lower academic achievement than similar children in less competitive educational settings. In short, it’s better to be a Big Fish in a Small Pond than a Small Fish in a Big Pond.  
     Given the NYC private school scene, it's more important than ever to work with an educational consultant who can help you maximize the chances for acceptance into your desired school but who can also steer you towards other schools where your child can thrive.  This is especially true if there is any kind of learning or behavior issue which may be a red flag at some schools.  To get more information, contact toby@ParentConfidante School Success Consulting.

 

Does My Child Have A.D.D.?

A recent article highlights the importance of environmental factors when diagnosing and treating children with Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.).  Dr. L. Alan Sroufe (NY Times, 1/29/12) wrote a comprehensive article on the overuse of drugs in the treatment of A.D.D. He takes issue with the assumption that there is a "brain deficit" in children who have attention difficulties and points out that the improvement in attention fades over time and that all people benefit from stimulant medication when focusing on more rote tasks.  His basic point, is that society is overlooking environmental influences in the rush to medicate.  For instance, emotional problems such as depression, turmoil at home, lack of social support, and ineffective parenting can produce behavior and attention problems  and these factors are not addressed in the rush to medication.

Many of Dr.Sroufe's observations were confirmed in my practice as a school psychologist.  I found ADHD becoming an increasingly frequent diagnosis with medication as the primary recommendation.  However, I  knew from working with the student that there were other, sometimes more pressing factors such as family distress or parenting disagreement.  It was much easier to go the path of medication than tangle with the difficult task of understanding the family dynamics and making changes.

That being said, there were many instances when medication was crucial and effective.  The child learned, felt better about himself because he wasn't constantly being redirected and gained socially as well.  Even if it's true that the effect of the medication fades after three years, three years is a long time, and the benefits could improve that child's life forever.

One reason I became an educational consultant and started ParentConfidante School Success Consulting is that many of the evaluations I read were incomplete and didn't consider all factors.  In my work, I refer parents to highly skilled professionals whose assessments are reliable and give a complete picture of the child and what would be helpful. An accurate diagnosis is crucial if the child is to make lasting progress. To help your child make the positive steps she deserves contact me at 646-300-1881.

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.

NYC High Stakes Tutoring

The NY Times today (6/8/11) highlighted a practice that is well known in NYC private schools - private tutoring for even the brightest youngsters who are at elite schools.  These students are tutored to insure that they receive top grades (only A's) thereby enhancing their chances of getting into elite colleges.  It was pointed out in the article that academic tutoring has increased tremendously in recent years.  It actually starts when the youngsters are toddlers  - to help them get into preschool.

Parents feel that they are providing the best they can for their children's long term success and tutoring will certainly give a student the leg up, but it's hard to tell if intensive and extensive tutoring is really what a student needs in the long run.  If the problem is a lack of motivation or a lack of academic self confidence, the student may actually end up feeling that they can't be successful on their own.  They may feel that they lack the the skills that help them succeed - perseverance, organization and comprehension -  and can only succeed with someone helping them.  It might be better to zero in on the  motivational and self esteem factors which can be of benefit throughout their lives.

 

 

Fast Tracking to Kindergarten and Harvard?

In the highly competitive environment of New York City private schools it is no wonder that many parents start tutoring their youngsters at a very young age in an effort to give them the extra edge.  In "Fast-Tracking to Kindergarten" (May 15, 2011) the N.Y. Times highlighted the Junior Kumon program which tutors children in basic skills starting at age 3.  Kumon asserts "the younger the better" and states that the repetition inherent in the program develops concentration.  Parents described the benefits of the program as their childrens' knowlege increased,

What was missing in the article was any mention of developmental level and individual differences in children.  While many of the youngsters seemed to take the tutoring in stride, there must be those with shorter attention spans, children who are just not ready to form letters, children who have special needs and just can't see the difference between letters and children who just aren't into it.  What happens then?  Are parents advised to stop with Junior Kumon at this point or do they soldier on thinking their children will benefit in the long run? 

This program (and others) has the potential of frustrating children and impacting motivation in a negative way if individual differences aren't taken into account.  The little 3 year old matching letters didn't look too happy in her picture in the N.Y.Times.  Maybe that was because she'd just been told that her #12 was "sloppy".  Given some time for her motor skills to develop, she'll no doubt make a beautiful 12.

At ParentConfidante Special Needs Consulting, we make the academic and school recommendations that are right for the child - one size doesn't fit all.

TWICE EXCEPTIONAL SCHOOLS for NYC 2e children

  Two recent additions to the array of private schools in NYC focus on the twice exceptional child - that child who has excellent cognitive ability but also a learning disability, ADHD, or emotional or social difficulty which impacts their success - thus 2e.  The Quad Preschool opened it's doors in September, 2010 as did the Lang School (K-8).

The time is right for these schools to open as I think there is a real need.  In my work with children as a school psychologist, CPSE Chairperson and as a special needs educational consultant, I have seen many children who have been exceptionally bright but were hampered by social or learning problems.  They often had superior language skills but couldn't concentrate or listen in a group - one on one with an adult they were a delight.  It was often difficult to find the right school for these children, because in spite of their learning difficulties, they need high level language stimulation and an enriched curriculum - as well as the right educational, behavioral and emotional remediation and support.  Without that stimulation, there is increased danger of underachievement and a lack of motivation.

I'ts wonderful to have these "twice exceptional" schools as special needs private school options in NYC.

 

  Two recent additions to the array of private schools in NYC focus on the twice exceptional child - that child who has excellent cognitive ability but also a learning disability, ADHD, or emotional or social difficulty which impacts their success - thus 2e.  The Quad Preschool opened it's doors in September, 2010 as did the Lang School (K-8).

The time is right for these schools to open as I think there is a real need.  In my work with children as a school psychologist, CPSE Chairperson and as a special needs educational consultant, I have seen many children who have been exceptionally bright but were hampered by social or learning problems.  They often had superior language skills but couldn't concentrate or listen in a group - one on one with an adult they were a delight.  It was often difficult to find the right school for these children, because in spite of their learning difficulties, they need high level language stimulation and an enriched curriculum - as well as the right educational, behavioral and emotional remediation and support.  Without that stimulation, there is increased danger of underachievement and a lack of motivation.

I'ts wonderful to have these "twice exceptional" schools as special needs private school options in NYC.

  Two recent additions to the array of private schools in NYC focus on the twice exceptional child - that child who has excellent cognitive ability but also a learning disability, ADHD, or emotional or social difficulty which impacts their success - thus 2e.  The Quad Preschool opened it's doors in September, 2010 as did the Lang School (K-8).

The time is right for these schools to open as I think there is a real need.  In my work with children as a school psychologist, CPSE Chairperson and as a special needs educational consultant, I have seen many children who have been exceptionally bright but were hampered by social or learning problems.  They often had superior language skills but couldn't concentrate or listen in a group - one on one with an adult they were a delight.  It was often difficult to find the right school for these children, because in spite of their learning difficulties, they need high level language stimulation and an enriched curriculum - as well as the right educational, behavioral and emotional remediation and support.  Without that stimulation, there is increased danger of underachievement and a lack of motivation.

I'ts wonderful to have these "twice exceptional" schools as special needs private school options in NYC.