Thoughts on Motivating Children-What's a Parent to do?

My sister, a college professor, has often mentioned that many of her students can't seem to cope with any academic stumble.  If they run into trouble with an assignment or get less than an A, they are immediately discouraged and often involve their parents- who are eager to get involved.  This pattern is more apparent now than in the past, and as pointed out in a recent article by Lori Gottlieb in Atlantic Magazine (7/1/11) it’s part of a trend in parenting that is meant to produce happy, successful children  but often backfires.  In her article “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy” Ms. Gottlieb describes the parent who “does too much” for their children and by never letting them fail actually impacts a child’s ability to be resilient and deal with the normal frustrations of life.  Children are told that everything they do is “great” and they expect to be successful all of the time. As adults, they can feel anxious and unsuccessful even when they are doing well – because they aren’t getting approbation at all turns.

NYC is certainly not immune from this trend in parenting.  As recent articles on high priced tutoring of private school students in NYC (starting in pre-K) indicates, well meaning parents will go to any length to make sure that their children don’t experience any failure.  Parents probably feel that if their children always do well –they’ll be motivated to continue working hard and succeed.  But what sometimes happens is that children don’t have a realistic sense of their skills and expect every production of be judged “wonderful”.  When that doesn’t happen, they become discouraged and give up.

So what’s a parent to do – it seems as if there’s always new advice and no matter what you do it isn’t right.   One thing a parent can do is let their children struggle at times, look for solutions on their own or help them think through options. Parents don't need to rush in to help immediately with every problem – from a tussle over a toy to a B on a paper.  Paradoxically, this hands off approach (at times) will help our children persevere, develop true self esteem and be more realistic.  It’s also important to start early – in elementary and middle school – so that the qualities that promote intrinsic motivation can take root before it “counts” – before high school.